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Dampak Perceraian Orang Tua Terhadap Anak (II)

Edisi C3I: e-Konsel 116 - Menolong Anak Korban Perceraian

Perceraian tidak hanya melukai pasangan yang bercerai saja, namun juga anak dari hasil pernikahan itu. Ringkasan tanya jawab dengan narasumber Pdt. Paul Gunadi, Ph.D berikut akan menjelaskan besarnya dampak yang dirasakan oleh anak akibat perceraian orang tua mereka.

T :

Ada pasangan yang bercerai meskipun perkawinan mereka sudah berusia 26 tahun, bagaimana itu bisa terjadi?

J :

Fase kedua yang memang rawan terhadap perceraian adalah usia pertengahan, yaitu usia sekitar 45-55 tahun. Meski secara sejarah, mereka sudah menikah dua puluh tahun misalnya, tapi saat itu adalah saat di mana anak-anak sudah besar. Anak-anak sering kali menjadi pengikat orang tua sekaligus merupakan suatu pengalihan problem. Kalau anak-anak sudah besar berarti tidak ada lagi yang jadi pengalihan, kita harus menghadapi pasangan kita secara langsung. Di situlah kecocokan kita diuji mati- matian. Kalau pada awal pernikahan sebelum punya anak kita sudah bermasalah dan tidak dibereskan dengan tuntas, biasanya problem itu muncul kembali di usia pertengahan. Jadi betul sekali, jika ada orang yang sudah menikah dua puluh tahunan tapi akhirnya bubar.

T :

Perceraian itu justru sering kali terjadi ketika pasangan sudah punya anak. Apa dampak-dampaknya pada anak?

J :

Yang jelas ANAK MERASA TERJEPIT di tengah-tengah. Meski si anak itu tahu, misalkan mamanya atau papanya yang kurang benar, tetapi anak mengalami kesulitan untuk memilih antara mama atau papanya, siapa yang harus dia bela, siapa yang harus dia ikuti jika terjadi perceraian. Pada waktu terjadi perceraian, di situlah anak mulai bingung harus pilih siapa. Dia merasa sungkan terhadap orang tua yang satunya jika harus berkata, "Saya pilih mama", atau "Saya pilih papa".

T :

Tapi sering kali sejak dini anak itu sudah bisa menilai orang tuanya, siapa yang salah sebenarnya. Benarkah demikian?

J :

Betul. Dalam hati dia sudah ada penilaian siapa yang lebih salah, dan siapa yang lebih benar. Namun, waktu mereka menyadari orang tua sekarang bercerai, tetap ada rasa sungkan mengkhianati orang tuanya. Dampak lain dari perceraian adalah anak sering kali MEMPUNYAI RASA BERSALAH karena dia pilih orang tua yang satu bukan yang satunya, bersalah karena kadang-kadang anak merasa bahwa merekalah yang menjadi penyebab perceraian. Memang ada kalanya, dalam rumah tangga yang sedang bermasalah, salah satu bahan keributan adalah anak. Ini memang suatu proses yang alamiah, orang selalu mencari kambing hitam atau penyebab atau titik kesalahan, supaya mereka bisa mengerti, memahami dengan akal penyebab terjadinya perceraian.

T :

Ada anak korban keluarga yang bercerai yang menjadi sangat nakal sekali. Apa sebenarnya yang diharapkan oleh anak ini?

J :

Sebetulnya yang terjadi adalah si anak mempunyai KEMARAHAN, KEFRUSTRASIAN, dan dia mau melampiaskannya. Pelampiasannya ialah dengan melakukan hal-hal yang berlawanan dengan peraturan, memberontak, dan sebagainya. Atau anak yang orang tuanya bercerai dan tinggal dengan mamanya, mereka kehilangan figur otoritas, figur ayah. Waktu figur otoritas itu menghilang, anak sering kali tidak terlalu takut pada mama. Ini adalah suatu fakta. Hasil riset menunjukkan bahwa anak-anak yang dibesarkan orang tua tunggal, oleh seorang ibu, cenderung nakal.

T :

Apakah anak juga bisa KEHILANGAN IDENTITAS SOSIALnya?

J :

Ya, anak akhirnya merasa tidak pas karena dia melihat teman- temannya punya papa mama tapi dia tidak. Pada waktu teman- temannya membicarakan papa dan mama, dia tidak bisa. Apalagi kalau papanya menikah lagi dengan orang lain, dia lebih susah lagi bicara tentang papanya yang sudah punya istri lain. Jadi, statusnya sebagai anak cerai memberikan suatu perasaan bahwa dia berbeda dari anak-anak lain. Inilah yang dimaksud dengan kehilangan jati diri sosialnya, identitas sosialnya itu.

T :

Ada kasus kebanyakan anak-anak yang orang tuanya bercerai mencari pasangan yang latar belakang orang tuanya bercerai juga karena dia PUNYA PERASAAN MINDER. Apa benar begitu?

J :

Betul. Sering kali mereka itu membawa suatu perasaan bahwa mereka anak-anak yang cacat, anak-anak yang tidak setara dengan anak-anak lain. Oleh karenanya, timbul suatu rasa takut kalau menikah dengan orang yang baik-baik nanti dipandang rendah atau ada perasaan tidak pantas berpasangan dengan orang dari keluarga baik-baik. Harapannya adalah yang senasib dengannya, yang lebih bisa menerima, dan orang tuanya pun bisa menerima. Dia tahu bahwa banyak orang tua tidak rela menikahkan anaknya dengan seseorang yang dari keluarga "broken-home".

T :

Kalau kedua orang tua itu sangat mengasihi anaknya dan kebetulan anaknya cuma satu atau dua, apa yang terjadi dalam diri anak?

J :

Ada PERASAAN TERBELAH, DICABIK-CABIK. Satu pihak harus ke mama, satu pihak harus ke papa. Akan muncul suatu dorongan dalam diri si anak untuk menjadi perekat, penyatu. Dia akan menjadi juru bicara dari orang tuanya. Maksudnya, jika mama atau papanya ingin saling berkomunikasi, mereka tidak berkomunikasi secara langsung tetapi melalui anak supaya disampaikan. Atau bisa juga dia yang menjadi peredam persoalan atau konflik di antara kedua orang tuanya yang sudah bercerai ini karena dia tahu dua-duanya mengasihi dia dan dia mau supaya jangan sampai lebih buruk lagi keadaannya, dengan kata lain sejak kecil dia akhirnya belajar untuk mendistorsi fakta kehidupan.

T :

Ada orang tua yang mengatakan bahwa mereka memang bermasalah dengan pasangannya, tapi tidak dengan anak-anak mereka. Sebenarnya pandangan seperti itu bagaimana?

J :

Dalam hubungan nikah yang sudah sangat jelek, yang pertengkarannya sudah sangat parah, kebanyakan anak-anak akan memilih supaya mereka bercerai. Hasil riset memperlihatkan, demi kesehatan jiwanya anak-anak akan lebih tenteram sewaktu dilepaskan dari suasana seperti itu. Pada waktu orang tua tidak tinggal bersama-sama dengan mereka rasanya lebih tenang karena tidak harus menyaksikan pertengkaran. Akhirnya, mereka lebih mantap, lebih damai hidupnya, dan lebih bisa berhubungan dengan orang tuanya secara lebih sehat.

T :

Ada sisi positif dari anak korban perceraian, misalnya anak cepat dewasa, punya rasa tanggung jawab yang baik, bisa membantu ibunya. Apakah benar demikian?

J :

Memang ada anak yang bisa jadi nakal luar biasa, tapi ada yang kebalikannya justru menjadi anak yang sangat baik dan bertanggung jawab. Yang terjadi sebetulnya adalah pengompensasian. Si anak seolah-olah mengompensasi kekurangan atau kehilangan dalam keluarganya. Misalkan dia anak laki dan tinggal dengan mamanya, kecenderungannya adalah dia menggantikan fungsi papanya. Dialah yang akhirnya menjadi teman bicara mamanya dan dia tidak bisa menolak karena keadaan memaksanya untuk menjadi lebih dewasa. Atau seorang anak wanita yang harus tinggal dengan papanya, umumnya si anak ini menjadi seperti mamanya, menjadi teman bicara, menjadi orang yang mengerti isi hati papanya. Anak-anak ini akhirnya didorong kuat untuk mengambil alih peran orang tua yang tidak ada lagi dalam keluarganya. Secara luar kita melihat sepertinya baik menjadi lebih dewasa, tapi sebetulnya secara kedewasaan tidak terlalu baik karena dia belum siap untuk mengambil alih peran orang tuanya itu.

T :

Kalaupun sudah terjadi perceraian dan ada dampak yang begitu besar terhadap diri anak-anak, adakah firman Tuhan untuk ini?

J :

Hidup ini kompleks dan kita ini menikah untuk sungguh-sungguh langgeng selamanya. Jadi kalau sampai ada orang yang menderita dalam pernikahan, sering kali itu di luar kehendak dan harapan mereka. Jadi, sebisanya carilah bantuan karena sering kali ini bukanlah masalah satu atau yang satunya, tapi masalah berdua. Selanjutnya, kita harus tetap kuat di dalam Tuhan. Kita tidak bisa mengerti mengapa kita mendapat porsi kehidupan yang seperti ini. Untuk kasus-kasus di mana mulai timbul perceraian- perceraian firman Tuhan berkata, "Ingatlah, jangan menganggap rendah seorang dari anak-anak kecil ini. Karena Aku berkata kepadamu: Ada malaikat mereka di sorga yang selalu memandang wajah Bapa-Ku yang di sorga." Ini dicatat oleh Injil Matius 18:10. Tuhan Yesus menegaskan bahwa anak-anak itu berharga dan Tuhan memerhatikan mereka, ada malaikat yang menjaga mereka. Dengan kata lain, Tuhan mau kita mengingat anak-anak bahwa anak- anak itu penting dan berharga di mata Tuhan, jangan sampai gara- gara menuruti kehendak kita anak-anak menjadi korban. Jadi, bertahanlah sebisanya, bereskanlah itu, rendahkanlah diri, mintalah bantuan, dan jangan tunggu-tunggu lagi.

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